“Please, help me become the best lover possible…”

This is a common request I hear in a variety of forms from many of my clients.

Some are despairing after years of trying.

Some feel broken and frustrated.

Others are simply stuck.

But one thing that serves all of them well, regardless of what brought them to here, is to cultivate a spirit of curiosity and allow it to be their guide.

Curiosity is one of our greatest allies and an essential ingredient, on our journey to sexual confidence.

By bringing curiosity and presence to our explorations and experiences we begin to change everything that we do and experience.

For a start we are no longer stuck is a mindset of lacking and judgement.

Instead with the support of curiosity, our approach becomes present without agenda and our attention is focused without force.

Curiosity invites us to slow down and follow the threads before us, sequencing in flow from one thing to the next.

Bringing curiosity to ourselves and our own bodies allows for deep learning and discovery.

Bringing curiosity to others, communicates a genuine interest to explore and connect.

Being curious can feel uncomfortable for many, particularly in a world where knowledge is power and sex is performative.

In order to fully surrender to curiosity, we need to allow our vulnerability and be willing to not know.

It requires a felt sense of security in ourselves and an openness that values the unknown as a place that invites growth and new possibilities.

Many of us feel stuckness created by shame around sex and are still trapped in its bind.  

Just like an electric fence, the potential to be zapped again, stops us ever approaching uncomfortable territory.

However, with the tenderness of encouragement and a willingness to gently lean in bit by bit, we can reclaim our natural curiosity to explore, discover the novelty and delight in the wonder of it all.

Likewise, we all have a different resilience for not knowing and our capacity to be and stay curious is dynamic.

Depending on the context, our mood and who has come to play, we may have oceans of bandwidth to play with or very little at all.

Our thoughts may distract us or invade our attention and focus.

We might feel anxious or a need to be or get somewhere other than the present.

All of which are a learnt behaviour and approach to sex that our culture conditions us to believe.

I wonder though, what is harder….to be with the shifting sands of discomfort and gently welcome curiosity to our play.   Or stay stuck and longing.  

If we always stay in places of certainty, we will never discover anything new.

Guaranteed.

How might you cultivate curiosity in your life today?  In your explorations of your pleasure?  In your engagement with lovers?

 

Here is a way you might begin:

Take a moment and explore and touch a part of your body with curiosity.  Maybe your hand, foot or somewhere interesting to you.   See how present you can become; how much you can feel for rather than think for this part of you.  See how much presence you can bring to your exploration.

Notice what thoughts might distract you and how they change your experience.   Gently bring your attention back to sensation, breath and the practice.  Keep following the threads of curiosity and pleasure and notice what happens next.

Notice what shows up as you continue to explore yourself.   Maybe there are thoughts of judgement or emotions of embarrassment.   Maybe there is discomfort and sensations that are hard to allow.  Keep noticing and stay curious.  Make space for these feelings without getting hooked.   Bring yourself back to curiosity, sensation and pleasure.

Share This