Many people, want mind blowing sex.
They want sex that opens and expands their hearts and pleasure, beyond what they already know is possible.
They want aliveness and vibrancy that ripples and resonates in their bodies for days, months, years even.
They want deep passion, adventure and wonder-full discovery.
They want to feel lovingly embraced, connected and explored by those they love.
I get it.
I want that too!
Every last bit.
And more.
Why not?
Why shouldn’t we have that?
Sexual pleasure is one of the most amazing gifts of being human.
Our bodies are made for it.
Both alone and with others.
Problem is.…we are going about it in the wrong way.
The pathway to creating mind blow sex, in all truthfulness, is quite unsexy.
Well, at least start with. 😊
I hear constantly this aching desire. And alongside it, the heartfelt frustration and defeat.
People are often trying so hard and giving it everything they’ve got.
They learn a new touch technique or orgasmic skill.
They read, listen to podcasts, chat with friends and give new ideas a go.
They love their partners and lament where the spark has gone.
They doubt themselves.
Question their desires.
And begin to believe that something is really wrong with them.
They get angry with others and project blame.
Throughout the twists and turns of this journey they become more disappointed, disillusioned and despondent.
Some eventually give up.
Some try even harder.
Some decide sex isn’t for them anyway.
Some leave.
It is heart breaking… and unnecessary.
I often wonder how life would have been different for so many of us, if we had of received the foundational information and support, we actually need to build a lifetime of continued and growing sexual pleasure.
What a different world we would live in.
Today, I find myself the other side of a five-day training with Betty Martin on the Wheel of Consent.
Its not the first time I’ve done this work. Nor will it be the last.
Why?
Because it has gifted me with the cornerstones that not only make sex mind-blowing, but the powerful skills that make life divinely alive and relationships beauty-full.
Betty has taught me many things but if I was to find the most potent and transformative gem, it would be this.
Pleasure is my responsibility, not my partners.
And in order to truly have it, I need to be able to feel my own body, notice and own what I want.
Yep. Simple gems that change everything.
Let me tell you more…
I need to know, value and learn to ask for what I want.
Not from my head and what I think could be nice.
But from noticing where my body says Yes! That is what I deeply desire in this moment.
I need for feel deeper than the first impulse and find the Hell Yeah…that’s what I want in my body.
I need slow down and be patient.
I need to allow it to emerge rather than go rummaging for it.
Nothing mind blowingly wonderful will ever happen if firstly we don’t know how to pay attention and be in our own bodies. And secondly can’t know, value and ask for what we deeply desire.
Our partners are not mind readers or magicians.
Nor is my pleasure their responsibility.
Yep, mind blow sex starts with us tuning into a felt sense of desire.
Sounds simple.
But it is not always easy.
I have spent year playing and practicing and yet I still have much more to learn.
Most people when asked, what they want either don’t know or filter and dilute their true desire.
We feel fearful and vulnerable in the truth of what we want.
Many of us are so practiced at going along and tolerating that now, we are numb and have no idea how to pay attention and notice what we want.
We have squeezed ourselves into templates and scripts and try so hard to like what we have been given.
We reject the wild parts of ourselves and their longings in exchange for acceptance, peace and love.
Sadly, for many, it has not been safe enough to even begin to make space for what we want. Part of our survival has been to appease.
Life is meant to feel good and our bodies vibrantly alive.
Sex is meant to open us to the abundance of joy and pleasure.
Yet, when was the last time you paused and felt for your true desire.
Not the flickering of ah…that might be nice.
But the longings that lights you up from the inside out.
What do you notice when you pause, take a moment and bring some patience to feel a little deeper?
What emerges from those quiet corners when you make some space?
How do you know when desire comes from your body and when it is thoughts shaped by the world that constrains you?
We all have desire.
It is not always sexual but it is there.
What do I want to eat, wear, do?
How do I want to be treated, held, encouraged?
What lights me up and brings me joy?
Starting with a curiosity to feel for what I truly want is where mind blowing really sex begins.
Once we get some of these foundational pieces then touch and technique take us to whole different, much more expansive place.
For me, learning to notice and name what I want has been the most erotically empowering skill I have ever learn.
I don’t always get what I want. But to know what is and to take responsibility for it has transformed not only my sexual experiences, but my life.
I live in alignment with myself first in foremost.
It amplifies all the other wonderful skills I have.
It allows me to give and receive and make space of what others want.
It allows the gifting of my own uniqueness as well as invites the space and exploration for others to do the same.
So, if you want mind blowing sex my suggestion is start with yourself.
Start with noticing and feeling your body.
And start getting curious about what you want.