Have you ever heard of the “you should just KNOW what I want” myth?
It often appears in long term relationships and goes something like….” Well, we have been together X years, surely you must know what I like by now!”
Or maybe, “If you don’t know there must be something wrong with you!”
Or, “I shouldn’t have to tell you every time….surly??”
(Accentuated with hands on hips and sigh.)
Sometimes this myth is left seething in the background, words left unspoken.
Sometimes it shows up disguised as frustration, anger or disappointment.
Sometimes we are not even aware that it’s narrative is shaping our experiences, in sex and in life.
I can expose this myth, because I know it well.
Over the years in long term relationships, I have often found myself saying and feeling these exact things.
Until finally I realised a few things of vital importance.
I realised that my partner does not have ESP and I am a dynamic person with shifting and changing needs. Only I know what they are in any given moment.
I realised that unless I truly know and own what I desire, then how could anyone else.
I realised that honouring, trusting and most of all, asking for what I want, was the most useful and intimacy building way of meeting not only my needs but those of my partner.
Learning to trust our bodies felt sense of desire and having the skills to name those things is foundational to authentic embodied consent. And so much pleasure!
It is best friends and sits equally alongside our capacity to notice and name our limits.
The thing I have noticed with desire however, is that it is not always easy to find and can come with a complexity and layers that create a murkiness or fear.
For some of us, to desire has been dangerous. Particularly when it comes to sex.
We have been shamed, ridiculed and judged.
We have been disappointed and left longing.
And as a consequence, our true desires lay at the bottom of conditioned tendencies that keep us safe.
We say what other want to hear.
We edit ourselves.
Or simply stuff down our wants and fit ourselves neatly into whatever is on offer.
We even admonish ourselves, ask things like…”What’s wrong with me! Why don’t I like that touch?” Or whatever thing is being done to us.
And sadly, this situation is costing us all.
So, what could we do instead?
For me, like most things, it starts with our ability to get out of our heads and not only connect with our body and longings, but also trusting and valuing this felt sense.
Sounds simple, but many of us have never been taught these skills let alone how to give our soma ongoing attention and credibility.
What changes when we begin to slow down, notice and feel for what we truly want in any given moment?
When I stay curious and pause rather than being on autopilot, I am often surprised and discover a world of unspoken desires that when named and received, feel SO good!
Interesting.
This requires patience and a willingness to slow the pace of our doing so we can actually notice and consciously choose.
It also requires our vulnerability.
To experience and honour our body we need to be willing to feel clunky at first and stay with feelings of discomfort and lack of confidence as we build our trust and skills.
Like any other somatic activity, it takes practice, repetition and time.
Remember how you learnt to ride a bike, walk or play sport. These are all embodied activities.
Lastly, I think a little dose of rebellion goes a long way when it comes to desire.
Do you dare to disrupt the status quo of going along?
Do you dare to be an inconvenience or rattle the ‘that is what we always do’ trajectory?
Do you dare to matter and take up space?
Do you dare to disappoint another?
For these are the things we are called to when we start to notice, name and honour our desires.
No wonder it feels a little edgy!
One of my favourite tools of disruption and rebellion is the Wheel of Consent.
If you want to learn how to embody and communicate your longings and desires with care, integrity and skill, please join me at my upcoming workshop and become a rule breaker.
