There is a creature we need to add to the endangered species list. Every now and then, I have the honour and opportunity to be in their presence – but it is rare. When I do enjoy their company, there is a sense of freedom and frankness in the air. A presence and confidence in their posture and an attunement and gentleness in their approach and touch.
These creatures are human and have received the gift that has alluded most of us. They have been given the sex education and support needed to explore and enjoy a lifetime of sexual pleasure and meaningful intimacy with others. They have been given loving, respectful acceptance of their bodies and information about how it all works in order to feel pleasure for themselves and with others. They have been given safe appropriate spaces to experience, experiment and explore. They have been shown the skills of communication around desires and boundaries.
These humans are a rare and a wonderful thing. I am so glad that there are some among us who have been nurtured and coached in what is needed to create a life time of positive sexual experiences. These people give me hope and I celebrate whenever I get to meet them. However, most of us have not been educated or supported in this way and have instead learnt about bodies, sex and intimacy through our interactions with common culture, watching pornography or trying blindly to find our own way. On top of this educational misdemeanor, we have piled an abundance of shame and taboo that essentially silences us and retards the development of healthy curiosity and conversation.
The result is a population of people who lack the foundational skills and information for pleasure. This, in my way of thinking, is an ongoing tragedy that impacts of the essence of human vitality, creativity and connection. It’s cost is high not only on an individual and relational level, but also as a community and society.
One of the impacts of providing education that is inept and ill-informed, is the mountains of misinformation and myths that abound un-noticed and interwoven in our perceptions and engagement in intimate spaces. Left unexamined these beliefs keep us stuck in unhelpful patterns of relating and engagement with others and our bodies. People are left feeling broken or inadequate, blaming themselves or others for the lack of satisfaction and connection.
We can begin to change our experiences of sex and intimacy through firstly beginning to disentangle ourselves from the scripts and mistruths that abound around sex and bodies in our culture. This begins firstly with access to accurate, body positive information that is inclusive and affirming of pleasure.
We are often like fish in water in this space and don’t realise how much misinformation we have absorbed and bring to sex. Let’s get curious for a moment together – I invite you to cast your mind back and remember, how were you taught about sex.
Now, for some people this is a triggering topic. Their education into sex was through abuse. If that is you, please pause here and feel for your ground. Turn your attention to acknowledge and honour your survival and allow the responsibility for your lack of healthy education to rest firmly on the shoulders of those who harmed and did not protect you. Acknowledge that there is learning to be done and in continuing your healing journey you are taking powerful and determined steps to reclaim what is rightfully yours. Read on only if it feels useful to you and you are able to stay present with yourself and the content.
My sex education began across the kitchen bench with my mother around the age of 9 years old. She was helping me pack for school camp and felt the need to inform me about “George”. I initially felt perplexed at the time and wondered who the hell George actually was, only to hear that she was warning me in preparation that my period might begin while I was away. Not much was else was said in that moment and a few months later I was sent to my room with a copy of Where Did I Come From? For those unfamiliar with this publication, it was a cartoon explanation of heteronormative reproduction designed for children growing up in the 1970s and 80s. No more conversation was then ever had and I was left as a teenager with a blossoming sex drive and Dolly magazine as my most prominent and available teacher!
Many people have similar stories and have fallen into sex, doing the best they can with what they have. We need to bring compassion to ourselves and others in this space as the truth is, most of us are ill equipped to have the great sex we desire. Trauma and experiences of boundary violation further impact this space.
What’s mine and what’s not
One thing I have consistently noticed over the past three decades of walking alongside survivors of sexual trauma, is that most of them take full responsibility for any sexual challenges that are transpiring in their intimate relationships. They hold a lot of shame and the lion’s share of blame for experiences such as lack of desire, inability to be present to sensation and closeness with another. Their triggers are pathologized and misunderstood. Everything that is not working in the bedroom gets placed at their feet – blamed on trauma and the person who has experienced it.
Please know, that yes, our experiences of trauma definitely shape and impact our experiences of pleasure. However, it is not all due to violation and other contributing factors needs to be fairly attributed. Things like a lack of education, social pressure and ill-informed sexual scripts are equally to blame. Given the rarity of a well-educated and erotically empowered human being, we can confidently state that the majority of us are struggling at some point in some way in our explorations of pleasure. When this responsibly is shared, people start to feel a sense of settling, openness and hope.
I recently was working with a couple who managed to recognise this. They shared an experience in which the person with a trauma history had been triggered by the others request for oral sex. It resulted in her disengaging and pulling away and him feeling rejected and frustrated. In unpacking it together, they recognised that many things contributed to this activation and that trauma was only one element. His inability to communicate and ask her what she wanted and express his own desire without expectation, was key to creating safety and choice. Together, they lacked the capacity to slow down and notice and unintentionally sex had become about performance and agenda. Their sexual engagement lacked creativity and time to foster arousal, as they had no other options for touch and explorations that didn’t involve automatic escalation and striving. In recognising the diversity of elements that impact their experiences, a sense of relief and hope emerged for this couple in sharing the responsibility and therefore the change.
The Counter Balance
Liberating our thoughts and expectations from these myths creates space for something new to emerge and be discovered. When we have awareness of the mistruths and the lack of guidance we received, we can begin to develop our knowledge through accessing accurate and useful information. A wonderful array of resources is beginning to emerge to support people to build a solid foundation of embodied knowing on which to begin to explore and cultivate their own unique version of pleasure.
Sex is not a performance and there is no destination. It is creative, exploratory and should fill us with joy. Sex is about us, our body and desires. It is not reliant on another and sharing it needs to be by choice. Sex is a limitless way to express and enliven our erotic energy and enriches our lives and pursuits. Erotically empowered human beings are full of colour and savour the beauty of living. My wish for you is that in the undoing of what no longer serves, you shine brightly in your own unique unfolding of pleasure, and that it becomes a powerhouse of aliveness and liberation.
Note: this is a chapter from my draft book on reclaiming pleasure after trauma. Thanks for being one of the first that I have shared it with.
