One thing guaranteed in life is the inevitability of change.
Our bodies age, relationships shift and what was once certain, seems to gradually slip between our fingers.
The impermanence of it all, is real.
Yet despite us knowing this, we continue to strive and chase what we had before.
This happens a lot in regards to sex and intimacy.
In fact, this longing and perspective usually plays a part in what gets most people to my door.
Erections that don’t last and orgasm that never seems to come.
Diminished desire and partners who have lost interest.
People struggling to accept new body shapes and sizes, and things that just ain’t how or where they used to be.
Growing older is challenging in a world that tells us that it is all down hill from here.
Young, unlined, trim bodies are seen as more beautiful.
Hard cocks the ultimate and orgasms on demand are the gold standard.
Spontaneous arousal and endless desire for more, is the grand prize.
Yet, this is essentially damn near impossible as the years roll on and we are faced with the reality that all these things are different and the sex of our youth, a distance tremor.
That is one big confrontation and conundrum for many.
So, what could we do about it?
Well, some people pack up shop, give up and donate their unworn sexy lingerie to Vinnies.
Others start striving, chasing and believing that that extra gym work out will do the trick.
Some buy a fancy car or start swinging.
Some watch more porn in search of a new technique or approach.
Others medicate. Some fantasize.
A few blame and shame, and essentially none of this gets us anywhere good.
In fact, these approaches distract us from a wonderous opportunity and the erotic evolution that is inviting us in.
Let me share what I have learnt through my own trials and error, as I now navigate post menopause and my fifties.
Sex in this stage of life, has a different flavour and flow.
Arousal comes more slowly to the boil, but with patience, once on board, it can simmer and spark for days.
I need far less permission or external approval to be myself. In fact, I need no one’s.
And, I now have the time and space to explore and experiment.
There is such a liberation in letting go of trying to recreate the body and pleasure of my younger ages. Here at this time, I can now see that actually, so much more is available to me.
When I let go of the idea that something is missing, wrong or needs to be resurrected, I am free to dare and discover.
Many people mistake the quietening and changes that emerges in our middle age as boring and less than what we had before.
We see the changes, as dreary and miss the opportunity to discover and embrace something new.
There is no ebb and flow of menstrual cycles here, that move our bodies through states of arousal and quiet.
Erections soften, flesh melts and hormonal chemistry often means that libido is not stimulated as quickly or on demand.
Novelty in long-term relating is a complete oxymoron and we may have achieved much of what used to drive us.
This is not the budding season of Spring but rather the harvest of Autumn is calling.
From this space, we have the opportunity to reimagine sex with our own meaning and on our own terms.
We have the capacity to feast on subtle mature flavours of erotic depth and expansion, unavailable in a fast-paced life and inexperienced body.
We receive the abundant dividends that come with investing more time, patience and capacity to slow down.
As we disentangle ourselves from social scripts and conditioning, we can see the truth of who we are and what we desire.
In the words of Erica Jong, author of the classic 1973 novel Fear of Flying, “Sex doesn’t disappear, it just changes form.”
Sex offers us many gifts of pleasure, connection, aliveness and joy. Why wouldn’t want to keep tending that space as we grow older.
Here are some steps that might get you started on your own journey.
- Believe it is possible.
- Notice and honour what you need to thrive
- Become erotically curious
- Make small choices that support you to lean in, rather than take grand leaps
