One of the most challenging and common things I notice in my own relating and that of the people I work with, is how desire changes and often dissipates over time.
Most people in long-term relationships experience staleness and disconnect at some point in time.
It is almost inevitable and can make or break us.
Think about it…. how has your sense of desire and attraction to your lover/s changed since you first met?
Typically, the whirl wind of initial attraction brings with it a natural momentum of desire and longing that is intoxicating, exciting and brings us fully alive.
It is a wonder-full experience and every cell in our body awakens and wants more.
It is one of the most beautiful experiences of sex, pleasure and intimacy.
Problem is, it rarely lasts.
This version of desire often relies on novelty and newness. It is a place of adventure and discovery that is not as easily available as we become more familiar and settle into commitment and long-term relationship.
As we build lives together, things like work, children and the monotony of everyday life start to encroach.
Before we know it, we feel in a rut, disinterested and spending less time exploring sex and being intimate with each other.
Sound familiar?
If yes, you are certainly not alone!
Most of us find it really tricky to work out how to reignite pleasure from this place.
We feel shut down, turned off and questioning.
It can feel such an overwhelming and isolating place and we often wonder what is wrong with us or blame our partner for our lack of connection.
I know this place well.
I have been in intimate relationship with Steve for over 30 years.
During this time, we have experienced many versions of ourselves and how we connect.
There have been times when the distance between us has seemed insurmountable and the way back to each other and pleasure, so unclear.
It has been challenging and painful.
And… one of the greatest gifts to me and my pleasure ever on offer.
Let me tell you why firstly and then I will share how I have found my way back to the depths of desire that continue to light up every cell in my body.
Firstly, the why.
We live in a culture that is addicted to excitement.
We constantly seek the next hit and have been indoctrinated to believe that unless something is intense, high spend and comes with a full set of internal fireworks, then it is not that interesting.
We are so attached to the drama of life. The highs and lows are the only places that engage our full attention.
Our patience and ability to stay fully present to the hum of everyday ordinary being, has slowly been eroded away.
This is a tragedy and directly impacts on our attempts to find desire and reignite pleasure.
When the excitement and high is all we look for, we miss the rich and magical wonder that is only available when we tune in, slow down and begin to let go of agenda, performance and striving.
There is a rich and incredible world of erotic pleasure available in our aging bodies and the depth of connection that long-term relating invites us into.
But…. We will miss out on this if our sights are only set on getting back to where we once were.
In the process, we cheat ourselves of the depth, expansion and maturing beyond what we already know.
Long term relating offers us the opportunity to tap into flavours of pleasure not available without the investment of time and willingness to value our changing bodies and connection.
Now for the how.
For me it started with firstly taking responsibility for my own pleasure and working out what I want.
It started with self responsibility, curiousity and letting go of scripts.
It started with allowing my relationship with life and my changing body to be a place of discovery, honouring and trust.
In the spaciousness I created I found my authentic desires and the courage to honour them.
I began tricky conversations with myself and Steve.
I willingly stayed in discomfort and not knowing unravelling myself from insidious myths.
I matured beyond care taking others and tuned into the subtle quieter places of life.
There I found a new flavour of arousal in the stillness and being alone. A new rippling of pleasure with an intensity I had never experienced before.
I found confidence and skillfulness in honouring myself.
And from this place Steve and I can meet each other anew.
We follow our own interests and purpose and then come together to discover whatever is fresh and new in each other.
We allow each other to move away and re-define our individual selves as we grow older.
We trust that desire changes and the new flavours are just as delicious if not more so.
The moving apart, exploring and honouring on our own, removes the habitual transactional nature of depleted desire that we can easily fall into.
Many people are afraid of moving apart, however in my experience the spaciousness allows a maturing that is down right sexy and engaging.
When I know and honour the deepest layers of my sex self, I can show up authentically alive and a new to my partner.
This is the essence of discovery and desire.
So where do you begin?
My curiousity goes to your own personal relationship with desire?
Can you take responsibility for your own pleasure?
Do you know what you want?
And are you willing to get uncomfortable enough to step outside of conditioning and expectation to mature and explore beyond the stuckness and myths?
Without these skills, we are destined to go along, tolerate and lose the precious opportunity to live a life that engaged, alive and connected with our deepest longings.
What a loss.
We halt our relationships and they become stuck unable to grow beyond striving for what we once had.
You want more desire and attraction? Then start with yourself, knowing what you want and being willing to journey alone to find and honour it.
