My nine year old recently asked me an interesting question.
He is an inquisitive little person and asks a LOT of questions.
“What does that taste like?”, he enquired peering over my shoulder.
“Hmmm….kind of bitter”, I answered trying to define the coffee I was sipping.
“What’s bitter?”, he continued.
“Ummmm, well….hmmm….I’m not sure how to describe it”.
Thus began an interesting dialogue of trying to make my experience of what was a pretty ordinary coffee make sense to someone who had never experienced the taste of bitterness.
Back and forth we went using comparisons to other tastes familiar to him. Reference points from which he tried to get an understanding of this new word.
Curiosity captured him and I began to try and explain the sensation of the bitterness I was feeling in my mouth.
It was really hard.
How do you help someone understand your experience of something, to which they have no reference?
I am sure anyone who has tried to talk to an unrelentingly curious nine-year-old understands this sentiment!
Language around sex can often present us with a similar dilemma.
How do we describe to others the sensations we feel, the experiences we are having or are longing for them to help us create?
Can we feel deeply enough into our sensation and pleasure to even try?
We spend a lot of time in our head rather than our bodies when it comes to sex.
Our awareness is often outside of our self, in performance mode and what will get us to the finish line of orgasm.
Either for ourself or our partner.
We might be guessing what gives them pleasure while disconnecting from our own.
Without firstly being able to feel our body and secondly being able to share what gives us pleasure, we can find ourselves trapped in a circuitry of dissatisfaction, boredom and frustration.
Round and round it goes.
Communication is an edge for most people when it comes to sex.
Age old conditioning abounds and keeps us silent.
On top of that most of us don’t know what truly gives us pleasure let alone having words and the ability to ask for it.
So here’s the key….
Firstly, learn how to get out of your head and start feeling those sensations in your wonderous body.
Get curious, pay attention and slow down enough to notice.
Pleasure map your whole body. Pleasure map your partner’s whole body.
And share.
What does this spot feel like? Does it change when I add more pressure or a different stroke?
Don’t forget every inch of you has orgasmic potential.
Not just the juicy bits.
Play with trying to share with your lover what you are noticing.
Be clunky together and start talking about what things feel like and what gives you pleasure.
They don’t live in your skin. Only you do.
Maybe you could even begin with a morning coffee together.
