Do you ever feel your head spinning just with the pure pace of life and pressure to go harder…faster…give more? Quick fixes, instant gratification…right here, right now. Be more, give more, have more…where does it end…. where does it lead us?
Sadly, this approach is permeating every part of our life and masquerades as normal. We are led to believe that this is how to achieve success, to find happiness and feel good.
We have lost our capacity for patience, endurance and most of all presence. We come from a place of performance and seek approval outside of ourselves. In the process our sex lives are suffering and we are being ripped off from our essential and most potent life force.
Enough!
We deserve more…need more….can have more – by simply slowing down.
When we slow down we can actually begin to feel, to notice and attune to the subtleties. We can pay attention and profoundly deepen what we are experiencing. Some of the biggest challenges people come to somatic sex educators with, are shifted by simply slowing down.
If you do nothing else to improve the quality of your sexual experiences with yourself and others, this is it.
Try this for an experiment. Place your hand in front of you. Make sure you have some time and won’t be interrupted. Maybe even set an alarm for say 15 – 20 minutes time. Now begin to notice your hand. What do you see? What is on the surface? Can you see the bones, veins, freckles, nails…what is there? Now begin to deepen what you see. Look further, for more. Maybe find a spot that captures your curiosity or interest. Be with that spot. Stay right there. Really present, focused. Allow yourself to be absorbed. Allow this spot to take you on a journey, deepening your experience. Begin to feel for more, what lies below that spot, what is underneath. Feel for it. The temperature, movement, sensations. Feel for your heartbeat as the blood pumps through your veins. Breathe. Notice what might distract you from your intention or focus? How do you find your way back?
What was that like for you? How can you translate this to your sexual explorations and experiences? What difference do you think slowing down could make for you?
Richard Strozzi-Heckler in his book The Art of Somatic Coaching (2014:46) says that “choice follows awareness”. Without building our capacity to feel deeply and be present to our body, we limit the choices of our experiences. I’m not sure about you, but that feels pretty significant to me! And the thing I like about this stuff is we are not looking for anything beyond what is already there within ourselves. Slow down, notice, feel, deepen our awareness….and experience more. Sounds simple, so what is stopping us?
Many of us numb our sensations or capacity to feel due to negative experiences or trauma. This has often protected us and was the wisdom our body may have offered at the time. Others of us are just totally wired by a culture that values performance over being; outcomes over experience. By acknowledging our blockages and slowly, gradually and consistently supporting ourselves to become present and feel the sensations of our body we can begin to unravel those responses and feel again.
Slowing down in life, in sex, in all that we do….gives us the space to notice, to feel and to choose. It gives us the opportunity to deepen and be present. We let go of goals and outcomes and can experience the fullness of what is really alive in us. Imagine not striving for orgasm or pleasing another. What space and opportunity could this opens up for you? But don’t just take my word for it. I invite you to experiment and explore with curiosity for yourself. Have fun with it and see where your energy and attention takes you. Don’t be discouraged if this is tricky at first. Remember we are challenging the cultural norm and loads of conditioning here. I would love to hear how you go and what you learn along the way!
