I am still learning.
I think I always will be.
At least I hope so.
Constantly new edges that invite me deep into myself and the undergrowth of what is yet to be discovered.
It is uncomfortable and part of me would like to slip out the back door and sip champagne by the pool!
But alias, I am committed.
Committed to showing up with integrity and love in the tricky erotic spaces of life.
For myself and others.
Us humans are interesting creatures.
We all have our ways and challenges.
Our spiky edges and desires for ease.
We are all a work in progress…one way of another.
Living an erotically empowered life is a challenge and life long journey.
To turn down their offer, however wonderful it might all sound.
To say no thanks, to their desires and invitations, often knowing that my response will most likely land hard.
To be with another in their experience of disappointment, without rescuing or minimising what it evokes in each of us.
To meet their expectation with softness and care, while honouring the limits I feel within myself.
This is a practice I have explored for many years, and the deeper I go the more edges I find.
At times I feel skilled and embodied in my awareness.
I can stay in my lane and not fall on the trip wires hidden beneath the surface of my knowing.
I can say no, without needing to puff myself up in a masquerade of bigness.
I can decline without blowing my discomfort through another.
Other times, the “no” still sticks in my throat and feels almost impossible to say.
Instead, I side step, avoidant and busily distracted with everything else.
Or I slump in the aftermath, wanting to rescue, fix or placate another’s disappointment and hurt as they deal with their meaning making of rejection.
It is challenging for all of us.
Particularly when it comes to sex and intimacy.
It is the work of noticing our habits and unravelling ourselves from intersectional conditioning and the invisible holds of habitual, scripted relating and pleasure.
It is contextual, and ebbs and flows dependent on our energy and how resourced we feel.
This awareness is emerging as I complete another deep dive into the rich and challenging work of living and teaching embodied authentic consent.
My study is supported through the School of Consent (www.schoolofconsent.org) as I am finally growing my facilitator wings and collaboratively launch the School’s Australasian project.
This work excites me as it shines light into my blind spots and invites me to notice well-worn ways of being and relating to others.
It gives us a common language and shared approach to stay curious and create useful change.
It supports me to honour my authentic desires and find agreements with lovers and friends that feel good for everyone.
It also at times, challenges me, as it floats amidst a bigger picture of systemic oppression and the politics of power.
It wakes me up to myself and how I want to move through the world.
It breaks my heart in the despair of what often feels too big.
I have had many ah-ha moments recently in this work, that are insightful and disturbing all in one.
Much of this has centred around my ability to notice and say “no”.
Through exploration, I have recognised how big a challenge it can be for me to notice and name my limits in long-term, well established intimate relationships.
How habitual I am in this relating space especially, if I am concerned that my limits will be received with disappointment, resentment or reactivity by another.
I can see how as a result, I either over ride myself and give my all to my partner, or give nothing at all for fear that too much will be taken from me.
Stuck in these polarities, it can be challenging to find the space in between.
Many times, I ignore my limits and desires as a result.
I can then fall into the setup of blame towards another and feel like I have no choice.
I am learning that this essentially does not need to be this way and the story of stuckness I feel, is not true.
Remembering that I have the right and responsibility to notice and name what I do and don’t want, is key to instigating conversations that begin to enact change.
Others are invited into this dialogue through my willingness to take a risk and openly share.
It can be uncomfortable and challenging however, the more I practice, the more empowered, transparent and authentic I feel.
Sometimes I am reminded of the bigger picture at play, that also impacts all our personal relating.
As a woman, I have felt the danger of having erotic desires and saying no, as many times I have been punished or experienced the metaphorical or literal slap for my truthfulness.
Labelled as brazen or deserving of the consequence I have endured, Iike many others, I have been left with the imprint of fear and shame.
In this process of my own healing I have revved up, demanded and cowered in the face of my desires and limits.
A kind of ready-ness in my nervous system that attempts to protect me from potential danger or a fall out that I find hard to be with.
From this place I find deep compassion for myself and those who I work with.
This is challenging and important work.
For personal and collective benefit.
The journey of change and learning is one of rising and falling.
It requires a willingness to be clunky and have a go.
It demands we let go of perfection and take responsibility for our patterns.
Our willingness to stay in the flow is where the magic begins to happen.
When we choose to let go of known territory, we enter the realm of discomfort, a necessary and valuable ally to change.
We will stumble and sometimes fall.
We will feel confused and uncertain, guaranteed.
As we pioneer a new path, we invite others to join us.
This is the rich and wonderful process of growth and embodying change.
Betty Martin and the Wheel of Consent have been my guide and teacher as I step more deeply into my personal integrity and strength.
This has been an internal journey of finding alignment with myself as well as externally meeting and inviting my relationship into transparency and authenticity.
It has invited my recognition and the vital importance of consent from a global perspective and challenged me to continue to meet the edge of systemic oppression and choice.
So much to keep pondering and exploring.
Something I will tend to as I take a break and sip champagne by the pool. 😊
